Dr. Mom on Duty

Anyone else have hypochondriacs in their family? I think a couple of my kids are prone to this for certain. My strong, healthy, sixteen year old son is claiming a left chest injury from a sneeze and a back injury from stretching. This is the same boy who worked out for two hours this morning. My nine year old daughter is claiming a knee injury that appeared with no rhyme or reason. This grave condition has apparently been bothering her since January, although last night at dinner was the first I've ever heard of it.

On any given day, at least one child has an ailment that they would like me to call the doctor about. I'm of the wait and see school of thought. As in, let's see if I yell, "Cookies!" and that knee injury, stomachache, toothache, headache, limp, and whatever else doesn't just magically disappear. I mean hiccups that last longer than five minutes can start someone begging for the doctor around here! Blisters are reason to question life expectancy.

My kids, of course, are skeptical of my doctoring abilities. They do not believe that I can diagnose a fever by pressing my cheek to their forehead. It has yet to fail me in 18 years though. Sure, I can't tell the exact temperature, but I can tell if it's worth a search of the house for a thermometer that may or may not be sanitary, accurate, or functional.

They do not believe in my number one cure for most any of their ailments, Go to bed and see how it is in the morning. True problems will still exist and 99.9% of the rest will be gone. It seems like no "sickness" is ever reason for extra sleep in their minds.

Another test I use to determine if they're really sick is to see if it will interfere with any of their social plans. As in, they have a stomachache for school, but are completely able to go out with friends that night? Hmmm...I'm calling shenanigans on that one. Legs that are so painful you cannot walk up the stairs and need to stay home during the NCAA basketball tournament? Hmmm...not falling for it!

But in order to stem the tide of tears from said nine year old with the debilitating knee injury last night, I said I would write down the date and problem and see what it's like in a week. I think I can safely throw that piece of paper away. So far today she has run around the house chasing a sibling, played in her volleyball game, rode her bike, and is now outside practicing volleyball again. I have not heard one peep about the knee.

Will the local hospital be calling to hire me anytime soon? No, absolutely not. Let's leave the true medical emergencies to the professionals. I'll just continue to prevent their waiting room from being filled by my kids who think they're in danger of losing their fingers (don't worry, it's a splinter), rashes that my patients are sure will be fatal (calm down, that's poison ivy), and children suffering from painful lacerations caused by homework (I promise, paper cuts don't need stitches).

Are any of you playing Dr. Mom today, too?